I flew in an airplane today. Well, if you can call it that. I should have known that things were looking grim when I rounded the corner to Concourse E at the Portland International Airport around 10:30 this morning. There is nothing quite like killing three hours in the Portland airport waiting for your connecting flight, by the way. The flight from Portland to Seattle is a mere twenty-nine minutes. Now, let me tell you about Concourse E. There isn't much to it. Gate after gate of abandoned chairs and people-less spaces. My level of concern crept up as I approached the end of the Concourse to find one lone United Airlines employee manning the gate and the check in booth. He was busier than a one armed paper hanger, as the saying goes.
All seemed well until I heard some whizzing noise growing louder outside. I expended the energy to turn and see what the commotion was. I saw this Tinker Toy like airplane bouncing up to Gate E-7. Hmmm, Gate E-7 was my gate. I have lived to the ripe old age of nearly forty and have been to college a number of times, hold a few different degrees and still it isn't registering that low and behold the crew sitting at E-7, who apparently also were going to Seattle, were about to climb aboard the Tinker Toy "airplane" with me and make our way, hopefully, to Seattle. I like jets. I like the force and whirl of the Pratt & Whitney engines on a jet. I like being able to stand all the way up in a plane. I like a full beverage service on a flight...and the list goes on.
As we carried our bags down the stairs and out the door to meet the Tinker Toy airplane on the tarmac it was only then that I realized what was ahead of me. A man was taking nearly every carry on and wheelie bag, tagging it and throwing it on a cart next to the airplane. Now I am the first to admit that I am not much of a quick study. However, I did manage to put it all together that my stuffed to the brim, olive green Samsonite was also going to be hurled into the cart of bags. So, I stopped right there on the tarmac and opened up Greenie to take out the laptop, e-reader and i-Pod so that they would survive the flight. A pair of my skivvies managed to flap out during the re-packing. It was at that very moment that I decided I would switch to boxers. They would be less embarrassing than tighty-whities blowing down the tarmac in the future. Nice, I know. I think I managed to capture them and put them back in the suitcase before too many of my fellow travelers realized what was happening. Crisis averted.
Well, we climbed on the airplane and b y climbed I mean, literally climbed up the steps that magically pop out of the door that flips upside down when opened. Who knew? I wondered if this tinker Toy door could hold my weight, but threw caution to the wind as a large girl in front of me and I took to the stairs. Let's see what this thing is made of I thought. Worse case scenario, the door would pop off and they would have to pull around one of the real airplanes to cart the twenty-seven of us up to Seattle.
I hunched over and stumbled to seat 5A. I stuffed all 6'5" of me into the seat and hoped for the best. Donna was the flight attendant. It took me a few minutes to figure out what all of the commotion was in the back of the "airplane". Donna was going row by row and rearranging passengers, reassigning seats. This was new to me. When Donna got to my row she eyed me up and down and then paused. Apparently I was well suited for seat 6A and was directed to move back a row. I stood up. Well, stood up is an overstatement. I sort of hunchbacked it up and moved back a row. In doing so my rear end grazed the arm of the rather large woman sitting across the aisle. Apparently this was pleasing to her because I heard, "Oooo, Thanks!" Sort of shocked and half in disbelief that she was thanking me for such a move I instantly thought, "I am not giving away freebies today! Pay up!"
Some other idiot who was flying with me asked, "Why all the moving people around?" Good! Someone else asked the pressing question that I needed an answer to. Hold on to your hats, kids. She was moving people around to ensure an even distribution of weight. Not only were we going to bounce through the sky in this wanna be airplane, the flight attendant was charged with distributing passengers evenly so the thing didn't fly sideways all the way up to Seattle.
Well, everything was settled and we were ready to bound toward the runway. The door closed, Donna gave the safety speech. I paid full attention this time. I was sure this thing wasn't getting off the ground. If it did, it surely wasn't going to stay aloft for more than thirty seconds. I did familiarize myself with my surrounding and located the two nearest exits to me, one of which was behind me, just like they say.
The pilots fired up the whirly gig propellers and Tinker Toy shook like one of those vibrating exercise belts from the past. We bounced out to the runway where the engines whirled up to a whine and we were tearing down the runway. I prayed hard and fast that she would get airborne. I also said a few Hail Marys even though I am not Catholic. I did stop for a brief second and wondered if I had selected the wrong religion. So, a few Hail Marys seemed necessary for good measure just in case. The front of Tinker Toy tipped up and we were in the sky on the way to Seattle....
