Babies are a lot of WORK!

Yesterday was entertaining in Kindergarten.  - A female student plopped down next to the boy I was working with.  The conversation went like this...

Boy Student: "This is my lucky day!" (Gesturing toward the girl student) "She is my girlfriend!"

Me: "Does she know she is your girlfriend?"

Boy Student: (puzzled look on his face) "Oh! I don't know." (Now tapping the girl on the arm) "Did you know I am your girlfriend?"

Girl Student: "You mean boyfriend."

Boy Student: "Yeah, Did you know I am your boyfriend?"

Girl Student: "No. I never heard of such a thing." (Never taking her eyes off of the project she was working on and never making eye contact with her male suitor.)

Boy Student: "Oh.  Well, I am!"

Me: "What does that mean to be a girlfriend or a boyfriend?" -(I always like to do some investigative research and see what adult labels mean to young kids.)

A girl student who was passing by comments, "It means you kiss on the lips!"

Boy Student: "No!  No!  No Kissing!."

Me: "Well, what does it mean to be a boyfriend?"

Boy Student: "I don't really remember."

 A second Boy Student who was nearby comments,  "You have to go on dates and stuff."      (It was the "and stuff" that I personally was most curious about.)

Me: "What does that mean?"

Second Boy: "They go out to dinner with each other."

Me: "Oh."

The girl who breezed by earlier was back and said, "AND they go out to breakfast together and kiss each other in the lips!"  (SO much kissing talk.  Sometimes I think young kids try and throw in statements that will hopefully get a rise out of the adults, but yet they think there must be some safety to talk about such topics because the teacher is engaged in the conversation too.)

Me: (Wishing they would stop all the kissing talk because there are two sure ways to get five and six years old wound up.  One is to talk about using the bathroom and the other is kissing talk.)

The Boyfriend Student: "They get married after that!"

Me: "Why do they want to get married?" - (Trying not to project too much of my own pre-conceived notions about marriage on the kids, but I am curious... Why DO they think people want to get married...)

The Boyfriend Student: "Because they are in love."

Me: "Do you have to be in love to get married?"

The Boyfriend Student: (Thinking hard......I may have puzzled him...) "Hmmmm....No."

Me: "When can people get married?"

This question evoked lots of responses from 16 or 17 to 20's, 27 and 70's from a variety of people who were now involved in this conversation.

A Girl Student: "Yeah, once you are married you make babies."

I was grimacing and wondering why in the world I had let this conversation go on this long.  Before I could bring it to a halt I hear..."And they cry!"

Me: "Who cries?  The baby or the people who got married?"

The reply: "Everyone.  Babies are a lot of work."

And so there you have it, people.  Babies are a lot of work.

8 Days

Student: "Hey, That kid celebrates eight days. What kind of special is he?" (said while pointing to a peer at the next table over.)

I have to chuckle when a five year old says to me "Hey!" as their opener to a sentence.  Further, it cracks me up that this late in the year a student is still referring to a peer as "that kid" because they haven't committed the peer's name to memory.

I am sure the look on my face was crinkled up as I processed what I was being asked for a minute.  I answer, "Do you mean Jewish?"

Student:  "Yeah, and I know what the Jewish star looks like."

Me: I nod to acknowledge that we had success in deciphering what the student was referring to when asking "What kind of special is he?"

Student: "Look at me."

Me: (I look over)

Student: Making wildly large gestures with his hands he is pointing up and down and sideways and going on and on about triangles.  (This is his explanation and visual representation of a Star of David I assume)

Student: "Plus you know what else?  I only celebrate one."

Me: "One what?"

Student: "One day.  He does eight and I only do one."

(I assume he is just now coming to grips with his religion and only celebrating one winter holiday, Christmas, and his friend has somehow managed to find a loophole in religion that allows for eight days of celebrations. (a.k.a. - 8 days of presents)

He's Ablaze!

“86 the Chicken Fried Steak!” & “4 Top at table A-4.” –I love restaurant lingo!

 Working in a restaurant during college was one of the most entertaining jobs I’ve ever known.  If you have ever worked as a food server you know the rush that comes when your section is full, the bus person didn’t show up, one of your co-servers has come to work hung over and you are down to one coffee maker.  It is nothing short of a miracle what you can do when your resources are limited in a restaurant.  You suddenly emerge into a plate stacking/balancing wizard who whisks through the dining room with trays of food, empty glasses, towels, milkshakes, and side orders of fries, bacon and hash browns.  You pour coffee with such speed and skill that they named the dance move “The Waiter” after you.  Yes, a restaurant job can be fun.  That is, unless you work with a few unsafe clowns. 

Take into consideration the following scenario…

…I was in the break room sucking down a crispy Coca-Cola one evening while shooting the breeze with one of the chefs.  This was in the early 90’s when restaurants allowed people to smoke inside.  The chef was a smoker.  So, the break room was like a mysterious land with a haze of smoke billowing up and around those who were on break.  This particular chef was taking canned hair spray and spraying it into the open flame of his lighter.  Mmmm Hmmmm.. I worked with some very safe and intelligent people back then. Oddly enough this behavior was mild compared to other things I had witnesses.

I left the break room, walked down the hallway, around the corner through the server station and onto the dining room floor to an awaiting table of patrons.  It wasn’t long before one of the guests in the booth said, “You are on fire!”  Sure enough, I was ablaze.  The apron strings were on fire as they hung down past my rear end, which had caught the back side of my shirt on fire- creating gaping holes in my back.  Funny how I could have made it down the hall, through the server station and onto the dining room floor and not realized that I was ablaze, but I didn’t.  So, in a gesture that can only be seen as helpful as I reflect back, the guest in the booth threw his glass of water onto me to douse the flame.  There was much hubbub on the dining room floor that evening, people.  Patrons from other tables stomped over to see if the tower of inferno was now OK. I was.  The real miracle here, people, is how my head of hair didn’t become engulfed in flames.  It was the early 90’s. You may recall that people lubed up their hair with all kinds of hairspray, gels and other hair holders.  I was no different. 

Through careful research I learned that this cigarette smoking, hairspray/fire playing chef thought it might be a gas to spray the back of my uniform with hairspray and set a flame to it with his lighter.  – Not too terribly funny I thought as I stood there, uniform smoldering, but alas he gets an A for effort.  Back then I didn’t assert myself as much as I do now, which I know is going to be a huge shock to those of you who know me- the one who ALWAYS demands what I want nowadays.  Instead I was granted permission to leave work early.  After all, my uniform was newly redesigned and my backless shirt top didn’t seem to so appropriate in a family dining restaurant. 

It’s funny how you romanticize past jobs, past loves, your first apartment, etc. when you are feeling overwhelmed with your current job, love, house, or (insert whatever here).  After thinking this story through I am reminded that my job isn’t so bad after all.  In fifteen years of teaching I have yet to be set on fire...

The Visitor to the Pool

There I was on another “Putting Myself First” vacation in the desert, traveling companion in tow.  We were splayed out at the pool soaking up as much Vitamin D as possible when what to our wondering eyes could appear? – A man skipping/dancing into the pool area with a small bag, leather bound notebook and can of sunscreen.  Now, the skipping/dancing was enough to grab our attention.  I got a side jab from my friend and she said, ‘You are going to want to see this.  What is going on by that tree?”  I turn to the left to see this man hugging the palm tree and talking to it.  Odd? Yes. Completely crazy?  Not enough input to determine so just yet.

It wasn’t long before I rendered a verdict.  This man skipped/danced over to the pool chair next to where we were camped out and by camped out I mean we had our floaties, sodas, sun screen, books, iPods, snacks and flip flops strewn around us.  What happens next seemed like something that should have been kept for indoors.  This guy opens a plastic baggie with some dried brown/green leaves.  Mmm Hmmm.  You know where this is going, don’t you?  He sprinkles some of this out into a white paper and begins to roll it up cigarette style. By now, our books are placed in our laps and our eyes are looking as far to the left as possible without turning our heads.  My friend and I are mumbling to one another short phrases that encapsulate the sentiment of “WHAT THE HECK?” 

Soon enough he lights this cigarette up and is up dancing again.  He then sprayed sunscreen on his face in such a caked on fashion that it pooled and was running down his nose and cheeks, dripping onto everything within a three foot radius.

It gets better.  The cigarette is extinguished and he tells my friend and me that he has found God. Now, I am a believer in the Almighty.  It was a hard sell for me that this guy was a true convert though, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  It hadn’t been my experience that people who find God smoke odd smelling cigarettes at resort pools in broad daylight, but perhaps I was up for a new learning curve. He continues to tell us, well really just me because my friend had already decided that she was no longer interested in him and buried her nose in her book, that he and his boss were selling these cigarettes and wondered if we wanted to buy some.  My dropped jaw summed up my reaction.  For sake of conversation I asked, “Well, what are they?”  His response?  “I don’t know.  My boss won’t tell me what is in it, but I promise it is legal.”  With that my friend let out an audible gasp.  I pretended not to hear her and politely declined.  So, instead, he left a business card and a “sample” on the pool table next to us saying, “Try it.  You will love it.”  -  One thing I am sure of is that I am too old to be smoking anything, let alone something that I don’t know the contents of.

He then moved to the pool.  He jumped off of the hand railing.  My friend and I look at each other in disbelief as he climbs up the water fall that is about 15 feet in the air at the south end of the pool and begins shouting Bible verses out to the small crowd of pool goers.  After all it is 109 degrees in Scottsdale this July day. Only the strong at heart face this kind of heat.  He then leapt into the pool.  On his return trip to the fountain he brought his camera to a pool goer and asked if they will take a video clip of him doing another stunt.  The pool goer smiles and agrees.  The man then climbs back up to the fountain and starts yelling out something about the Prophet and how none are righteous, no not one. That wasn't a news flash to me.  I spent a lot of time in church and had heard similar statements many times before.  Then he started back floating in the top section of the fountain.  This is simply too much for my friend and I, and the other 8 people at the pool, to not drop everything and tune in.  In an instant he is up and shouting more Bible verses before plunging from the top tier of the fountain back into the pool.

This theatrical acrobatic show goes on for the better part of an hour.  We make our way into the pool to conference with some other pool goers who also look alarmed.  “Is he with you?” That is the opening line we use with every person we chat with in the pool about this odd, yet highly entertaining, situation.

It just goes to show that you never know when you are going to be entertained and you must always be ready to ride that wave when it comes because it comes when you least expect it, people.

On The Loose~

“It’s out!  One of ‘em is out!”

I whipped around from the counter where I was mixing tempera paint for the next project.  Sure enough, “it” was out.  One of our fine feather friends was darting around the classroom quacking as loud as could be.  Well, quacking isn’t the exact sound it made.  It was more of a peep similar to chicks, but none the less it was LOUD and the tone was alarming.

We incubated duck eggs for 28 days before they began to hatch.  This experience is thrilling for all members of the school house, regardless of grade or age.  My colleagues even stomp down to the primary wing to check out the eggs and ducklings.  In the end we had seven of the eggs hatch in the last week and it has been non-stop enthusiasm ever since the first egg cracked.

So, here we are, twenty four humans, held captive by the lone duckling on the loose.  Zoooooooom, it raced under a table and hid next to the leg of a six year old.  Screams and shrieks from the student body alerted the lone duckling that trouble lurked, and it was off…..This time is stopped, but only for a moment, near the kidney bean table before zooming over to my desk.  By now I was “shushing” the student body and on all fours crawling around trying to sneak up on this bandit.  My shushing spooked the duckling and it was off again.  This time it didn’t stop racing around and around. This delighted the twenty-three Kindergarteners! Or, maybe it was their teacher chasing the thing around and around that was most entertaining.  This bird was running around the brooder and tub we had made into a make-shift swimming pool peeping its head off!  If that wasn’t enough, the six other ducklings were squeaking and peeping at the top of their lungs from the swimming pool as if to let the bandit know he was close and should re-join the group.

Finally, by some stroke of luck I managed to capture the lone bird and re-united him with his siblings.  In an instant the peeping stopped and the swimming commenced.  This wasn’t the first time I had broken a sweat in Kindergarten chasing things, but usually it is a five year old early in the year who decides school isn’t the place for them and they attempt a mad get away on day three or four of the year.  This was a first.

My Technology Quest

I stumbled into Barnes and Noble today to check out the Color Nook E-Reader.  They have several tables reserved to showcase this fancy electronic device.  What would make it even better would be some chairs at the tables so you can really get comfortable during your review/contemplation of purchase period.  You could bring your own folding lawn chair, but it might not be welcome.

That Color Nook even has Internet capabilities.  So, I cracked open my email, surfed the web, read a few blurbs from the New York Times and then……I found out the Nook has apps, people.  Angry Birds is my new favorite game.  You can whip those suckers all over the place and knock things down.  If reading in color wasn’t enough, this Angry Birds app was enough to seal the deal.  Then I perused the Nook Color covers on the adjacent wall.  I liked the vivid orange one.  I also liked the bright, bright kiwi green one.  You need a cover, don’t you?  $85 for these covers.  I don’t need a cover.  So, just as I was about to give the “Go-Ahead” to the clerk, who I might add was hot on my heels through the entire review and contemplation period, it hit me….You really want an iPad, don’t you?  Yes, yes, I do!

So, I carefully caught my own attention and skated toward the door to slide over to the Apple store.  That place is great fun, people.  What isn’t fun is the swarm of employees who tend to sidle up next to you with, “Do you have any questions?” and “If you get this you really want to think about getting the 64 gig, 3G with Wi-Fi.  This way you can be connected anywhere Verizon or AT&T has coverage.”  Mmm Hmmm… My irritation level skyrocketed, people. Why do these workers have to take all the joy out of this fantasy fun electronics shopping trip?  Yet, I am intrigued.  I stifle my irritation and ask, “What’s the cost difference?”  Then it happened.  My jaw….hit the floor…. Only $330 more than the Plain Jane $499 16 gig Wi-Fi only model I was warming up to.

So, not one to be ordered around I figured I just show this employee and not buy anything.  Throwing a tantrum seemed out of place, but highly desirable. So, I stomped out the front door technology less.  But don’t worry people.  I will be back!  I will soon have a portable Internet consumption device!  Of course, the real issue here is what kind of a person is pushed over the edge by suggestive selling?  - I think I may be the only one in my world who is so easily irritated with things so trivial.  Maturity is a characteristic yet to be acquired. 

A Tooth, a Tic-Tac and Two Dollars

I have a kidney bean shaped table in the back of the classroom where I meet with small groups of kids and sometimes kids one on one for an assessment.  When kids come to the kidney bean shaped table it is an honor!  They have the teacher captive and most of the kids are thrilled to have one-on-one attention from the Chief!  So, I make it a habit to engage in some small talk before we start the testing so as to lighten the mood and help them feel comfortable.  The student before me had a gaping hole in his mouth where a tooth used to be and he pried open his mouth saying, “See!  I lost my tooth!”

This is big news when you are in your single digit years.  Money accompanies this occurrence for 9 out of 10 kids. (No real hard data to back it up, people.  However, I have taught for many years and rarely do I hear a kid say they didn’t get cold hard cash from the ‘ole Tooth Fairy)

Me: (Wearing the usual look of surprise and excitement), “How much did the Tooth Fairy leave?” (Every time I ask that I could sock myself for asking such a question.  The emphasis in this question is on HOW MUCH, as if it means something if the Tooth Fairy leaves you a fiver over a single.)

Him:  “Two one dollar bills!”

Me: “Wow!  What are you going to do with it?”

Him: “Oh, I gave it to (He inserted a peer’s name in our room.)”

Me: “Oh?  How come you did that?”

Him: “Cause I have enough money and he gave me a piece of candy.”

Me: (pressing further) “That was nice of him, but why did you think you needed to pay him?”

Him: “Cause he gave it to me before school the other day and I ate it.  Then he said I could give him a dollar tomorrow cause the Tooth Fairy was gonna come to my house that night.” – (This happened on the heels of the student losing his tooth by a matter of mere minutes.)

Me: (eyebrows rising with a slight sense of panic – We had a sort of ring going on here right under my big fat nose and I didn’t know it!) “What? – When did he tell you to pay him?”

Him: “After I ate it.”

Me: “Did you want to pay him?”

Him: “Yeah, I have enough money already for Star Wars 3.”

Me: “Oh, but could you have saved the two dollars for something else later?”

Him: “No, I don’t need it. I have enough for Star Wars 3.”

Now I was at a crossroads, people.  I had pre-judged student number two as a swindler in the making, but wasn’t sure how to help student number one come to the same conclusion without a full on jury trial.

I threw caution to the wind realizing we were not going to doing too much reading assessment at this time and called student number two over.

Me: “Tell me about the candy you gave (insert boy number one’s name) and the $2 he gave you.”

Boy 2: “Oh, he gave me the $2 cause I gave him a piece of candy on Tuesday.”

Me: “How did he know he was supposed to give you money?”

Boy #2: “I told him that he could just give me a dollar cause the Tooth Fairy paid him already.”

Me: “Did you tell him before or after he ate the candy you gave him?”

Boy #2: “After.”

Me: “Oh, why do you need the money?” (Probably wayyyyy out of my line of jurisdiction to ask such questions, but inquiring minds want to know.)

Boy #2: “Cause I need 19 cents to buy another box of candy.”

Me: “If I give you 19 cents, will you give the $2 back to him?”

Boy #2: “But if I give it back then I will need two dollars and nineteen cents.  I already have two dollars.”

Well, the upshot of the whole exchange was that Boy #2 did in fact cough up the two dollars and I swore up and down to both of them that they were not in trouble.  We did have a chat about how friendship usually works.  I asserted that it is common place for friends to share a stick of gum or piece of candy and not expect each other to pay for it.  Boy # 2 piped up, “Oh, yeah.  My mom shares her gum with her friends all the time.”

Me: “Does she make them pay for it?”

Boy # 2: “Nope!”

Now, I run the risk of tooting my own horn here, but I do it often enough that this shouldn’t be too big of a surprise to anyone… It seemed right to put the academic task aside to address the more pressing issue that had emerged.  Seeing both boys smile as they walked away from the table and boy number one stuffing two dollar bills, which he had been re-united with, back down inside of his sock was quite satisfying.  What I was left wondering was why is it so easy to explain complex concepts like this to six year olds and yet it remains so difficult as an adult to be so willing to change your thinking when someone lays the facts out in front of you….…