My Enemy Vulnerability visits me on the Tube

Not wanting to look like the usual boob that I always seem to come across as I take great measures to "blend in" and "fade into the woodwork" when in an unfamiliar situation.  This is a long standing strategy I employ. Of course this is when my old friend "vulnerability" always swings by for an unwelcome visit.  The more I try to blend in and look self-sufficient, the louder my friend seems to get. Quieting him is a daunting task.

I'm visiting two friends of mine who are on posting from the Canadian Government in London.  Now, I don't have to go far to be out of place, but put me across the Atlantic Ocean and you are sure to see my "out of sorts" at their best.  Or rather, my worst as I will try to blend in and look like a local.  (I do this in my own city that I have lived in for 9 years already.  So, you can imagine how being in another country only exacerbates the situation.)

So, on my first day alone in town while my friend's were at work I stomped down the steps outside of their flat and headed right down the road.  It took me about twenty paces before I realized the tube station was to the left.  About face.  Why in the world I would care is beyond me, but I did a nonchalant look to the left and right to see who might have noticed this error in direction.  (Now, why I think anyone would even be paying attention to me is beyond embarrassing.  Nobody is that noteworthy that others would even be calculating your moves or even caring, but when you are destined to be vulnerable, this is what you do.)

As I rounded the corner I saw the tube station sign and dug for my "Oyster" card.  All the locals use these cards. Good thing I too have one.  I couldn't possibly buy a one way ticket each time I hopped on the tube.  Only tourists do that, right?  So, I use the card that the locals use to help foster this sense of being a "local".  I did take note of what felt like a small mob behind me queuing up to swipe their Oyster card so they could come through the gate and get on a train.  (Remember, pressure like this can send the anti-vulnerable over the edge.  What if I swipe the card wrong, or the gate doesn't open to let me through, or worse yet, WHAT if I drop the card and hold up the line. - All unsubstantiated fears, but very real to the mentally under developed like myself.)  It is with great satisfaction that I report my finesse in swiping my Oyster card and being granted access to the tube station.

This was only the first of many challenges.  Not wanting to be viewed as a tourist I did a quick glance at the hieroglyphics and multi-colored lines of different trains running across the giant map on the wall.  Eastbound trains to Platform 1.  Westbound trains to Platform 2.  Hmmm.... Where am I going?  The map is confusing at first glance and there are a million stops on each line, but where am I going?  East looks good.  So, I careen off to the side and head to the Eastbound trains. 

Oh, there are more opportunities to look the part of a tourist...... When you get down the set of stairs to the tracks there is more bad news.  There are two lines servicing these tracks. Mmmm Hmmm.. Which one am I going on?  Apparently the District Line and the Circle line are both whizzing by.  So, I hop on the District Line.  That seemed about right.  I was headed to Notting Hill. (Notting Hill is West of where I am, not east, but only those who look at the map or ask would know this.) Wouldn't you know it? - I was on a train and heading in the wrong direction.  What's more, you ask?  I was on the wrong train.  I needed to be on the Circle Line, not the District Line.  That realization won't come until much later.....a few train rides later in fact.

So, after three stops I look at the map and realize I am headed in the opposite direction of Notting Hill.  I wonder if the passengers sitting next to me were able to see the complete sense of disbelief on my face at the instant I made this realization.  An audible "oh crap" was emitted from my airway as I stood up instantly as the train was still in motion.  Now, did I think that the train would stop mid-track and let me hop out because I was headed in the wrong direction?  I don't know, but I have never been one to think things through. So, I stood in the middle of the aisel on my unstable tourist feet as the train whizzed down the track toward God only knows where.

Maintaining my cool as we screeched to a hault at the next stop, I then hopped off, minding the gap, and stomped up the steps to get to the other side of the platform.  (All was well.  This was a minor hiccup.)  I came back down to the opposite side of the platform and to where the Westbound District Line would be coming.  A few minutes pass and the District Line whizzes up and I hop aboard, minding the gap.  Now, it isn't until ten minutes into this journey that I realize, once again, that I am heading even further away from Notting Hill than I thought possible.  Wouldn't you know it, I needed to be on the Circle Line which happens to run on some of the same tracks as the District Line.  (A lot of information to manage in your mind when you are also trying to blend in and not look vulnerable or like a tourist.)

So, I have another "oh crap" moment and leap to my feet making my way to the door to be sure to be the first one off the train at the next stop.  I stumble out of the train, sort of minding the gap, and breeze by another tube map.  ( No need to look at this map on the wayy because I did some ground work on the train by looking at the tube map that is plastered to the space above the windows.  I was in luck because it also showed the Circle Line and I was able to see what I needed to do without looking like a tourist. - Dare we call it good karma?)

Because of the way the trains go I needed to visit my friends on the District Line heading East ONE more time so that I could catch the Circle Line since I missed the connection stop.  So, a total of four trains and I am rock solid!  I am headed to Notting Hill.

So, what is it about being vulnerable that has such a hold on me?  This is the question I am pondering the entire time I am train hopping below the streets of London.  What is it about looking like you are not a "part of the masses" that is so undesirable to me?

Though I wonder how I could ever let something as simple as asking for directions or looking at a map in public have so much control over me.....It leads me to the notion that I have heard time and time again....It is said that only when you let go of the "need" for control do you really ever get free from this fear of vulnerability. So, let's rally people!  Let's ban together to let down this fear of vulnerability, I say!  .......Or, maybe I just whisper it...