Crash 'Em, Smash 'Em

When I first got out of college I had a Volkswagen Fox, Wolfsburg Edition.  The Wolfsburg Edition was a fancy way of saying that Volkswagen had “fancied” up a regular VW with some shinier emblems and Air Conditioning.  Nonetheless, I was quite satisfied with this car, though I stood 6 feet five inches tall with no head room in the car I managed to drive that car until the end.  (My head was about two millimeters away from the roof when I drove it.  It looked like a clown car when I was inside.)

At that time in my life I had a continual hankering for Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers and their baked potatoes.  Who knows why?  It wasn’t uncommon to make a midnight run to Wendy’s for these things.  When you are 22 you can eat anything and not regret it.  So, I did.

A new Wendy’s had opened up not too far from where I lived.  It was so new, in fact, that they hadn’t painted the lines on the pavement for parking spaces nor had they painted the curbs yellow.  Ummm Hmmm… You can see where this is headed, can’t you?

I zipped through the Pick Up Window to get my sustenance.  Immediately as I pulled away from the window I reached in the bag for a hand full of fries, released the clutch, turned and shifted, all in one fell swoop (Driving is not a strong suit of mine and driving a manual transmission only exacerbates the problem.) I was barely in second gear when the entire car lurched forward, fries and sandwich flew to the floor and my giant Coke was now taking the shape of a puddle on the passenger side seat.  Well, this was alarming, but nothing that was insurmountable, or so I thought.  There were loud noises similar to what it must sound like when a car goes into the crusher at the junk yard.  As luck would have it, I had managed to get the Wolfsburg Edition hung up on a curb in the middle of the parking lot.  Don’t ask me how.  The front end was up and the back end was down. 

Every attempt to get the car off of the curb was useless.  I had to get out of the car and survey the damage. It wasn’t good.  The bottom of the car was on the curb, and the wheels in the front had some how managed to be airborne and not in contact with the surface beneath it.  Hmmm. What to do?  I sat there for a minute and then stomped inside Wendy’s.  This was before cell phones were all the rage.  I asked to use their phone and I rung up my mother.  Her whole life has been one experience in terror after another and I was sure she would know what to do. 

While I waited for my mum to arrive I sat in the car eating what was left of the hamburger, which I had careful re-assembled.  The manager of the Wendy's walked out to the car and tapped on my window.  (Insert humiliation here).  He was apologetic for there not being painted lines or curbs yet and wondered what they could do to help me with this UNfortunate situation.  I suppose their real interest was in not having this freak show in their parking lot any longer than necessary.  Who hangs their car up on the curb, sits inside of it and still finishes their meal?  I do.

Luckily it wasn't long before my crazy mother showed up. She zoomed over in her baby blue Cadillac.  What’s more?  She was wearing her bedroom slippers and a full length mink coat. Attractive.  After all, it was late at night.  We decided it would best serve our needs if she pulled the Cadillac up behind the Wolfsburg Edition and slightly accelerated just enough to push me off the curb.  This seemed like a good way to save the $50 charge for a wrecker to come and set me free.  So, I agreed.

Now, you would think that a Cadillac with a V8 would have no trouble getting the 4 cylinder Wolfsburg Edition off the curb, but I was awe struck at how unsuccessful things were turning out to be. (The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.) So, while I was waiting inside the car with the gear shift in neutral I thought I might as well salvage a few fries and began eating the ones that seemed to be resting on top of others and that were not in direct contact with the floor.  Tasty.  This smorgasbord was interrupted as I was violently thrown forward.  Mother Dearest had backed up the Caddy and stomped on her gas pedal.  Mmmm Hmmm.  Not only was the crunching sound of the cars meeting slightly alarming, so was my mother’s thinking on how this would be the best way to solve this situation.

I am pleased to say that the final “smash ‘em” trick did work and the Wolfsburg Edition was free of impairment from the curb, but it had some new damage thanks to the Caddy.  We drove both cars home and decided we wouldn’t tell too many people about this venture too soon.  Well, it’s been fifteen years now and this seems soon enough!