People have said, “You are private.” Yes! Yes I am! I pride myself on it for some reason. I have mastered the skill (insert synonym: strategy) of avoidance by asking lots of questions about situations and not revealing anything about my own experience when weighing in on something with someone. I perceive that people, friends and colleagues don’t really know much about my past, where I have been or what I have experienced except for the minuscule tidbits that I carefully expose. (No doubt I would be surprised to know what people really did know about me. It is all about the illusion of thinking I have them all at bay.) I like it that way. It gives the illusion of control, which is something we all need, whether we think we do or not. The pickle is that some of us hold onto control like grim death. (Guilty)
It wasn’t until recently that I had an understanding of why it is that I maintain so much privacy. If you are private you don’t run the risk of others getting to know you and therefore save yourself any risk of being rejected, disappointing someone else and being exposed. It makes sense. So, the question I was faced with a few days ago was “What is this privacy costing you?” I didn’t like that question. So, I pretended not to hear it. You know that move….We all use it.
Unluckily (Is that even a word?) for me, the counselor I see pulled her usual move and ignored what I was rambling on about to avoid the topic and reiterated her question. “What is it costing you?” (Is she crazy, I wondered? I don’t like to be pushed.) I furrowed my brow with a few extra crinkles and wrinkles up there. This is how I let her know I am not interested in exploring the topic she has laid on the table. She just stared back at me. She has those piercing kind of eyes that are like lasers, burning holes in your skin. It isn’t my favorite look from her. She knows this ritual and is no longer moved to try another angle when I implement such a strategy. We sit in silence for a while, which is me maintaining the illusion of control again. (I am good at it, if I do say so myself.)
Then she starts on this quest to have me link experiences from the past and my childhood that would have led me to this highly sophisticated strategy of protecting myself via privacy. I don’t like all of this “linking” today’s behavior with the past. I remember vividly feeling my heart begin to pick up the pace of beats and knew that I was being asked to venture out into the crocodile infested waters. No thank you! The “tick-tock” of the clock on the table next to me was drowning out the silence in the room. That irritates me too. So, I caved in and began to identify experiences from childhood that may have a connection to today’s rigorous strategy of maintaining privacy. She noded, concured and pressed for more details. Of course this is not how I like the sessions to go. She wants every dripping detail of every moment of my life. The details of my life really aren't all that exciting and so I am compelled to know how anyone could really want to know all the ins and outs of my past. I tell her as much and how I am a little irritated with her “need to know”. Again, she ignores my push back and skillfully asks more detail oriented questions. She must have gotten a “E” for Excellent in perseverance and tenacity on her report card in grade school. After I begrudgingly dole out some details I am relieved to see that the ticking time bomb clock on the table next to me indicates the session is over. Hallelujah! I stomped out of there quicker than a jackrabbit. “Buh, Bye. I’ll see you next time,” flies out of my mouth as I scurry around the corner. Free at last.
So, I have made some connections from the past to the present day. Sometimes that old saying that “Ignorance is Bliss” really is true. Now I am faced with a new dilemma. What does one do with these connections? Where do you go from this place of awareness? - The good news is I have a whole week to figure that out before I stomp back in there and have to face the “inquiring mind”.
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