The water isn’t my favorite place to spend time, though I do like a good jet ski. Boats, ferries, swimming, skiing…..not my favorite. Yesterday I had the “opportunity” to ride a ferry from Larkspur to downtown San Francisco. I was taken aback by the interior of this ferry. (It must have been assembled in the 60’s with no updates since.) Walking on board was like taking a step back in time. The thing looked like it had been hosed down with left over baby blue paint. Instantly the condition of the interior of the boat gave way to me wondering about how sea worthy she might be. Visions of the not so distant ferry boat crashes in New York City danced in my head. Would we be the next national disaster? Diesel fumes permeated the cabin. As I carefully surveyed each nook and cranny of this boat, what I was sure to be turn of the century machinery, my attention was diverted to an opportunity to make fun of someone right in front of me. I love those kinds of opportunities. They are of particular value when your concern for safety is heightened. It takes your mind off of the present danger.
In stormed what I quickly surmised to be a husband and wife of their early 60’s. Their accent indicated they were perhaps from Germany. Mama had a paper cup in her right hand. Papa had an identical paper cup. Both had on darkening sun glasses as they stumbled to a seat. Mama wanted the front two seats by the window. She pointed and papa spat out, “Dose are too crooked.” – The seats at the front of the boat were at an angle on the sides by the window and whomever sits by the window has far less room than anyone who doesn’t. I knew in an instant I had some on-board entertainment unfolding before me as Papa plopped down in the seat across the aisle from his bride.
Mama: (Now on her cell phone.)“Ve are on ‘da boat. Ve got ‘da Bloddy Mary’s. I got ‘da vorst hang over.” – (Whoever was on the other end of the phone was getting every detail, as was I and I loved it! The more other people reveal about themselves the more I can evaluate how screwed up, or not, that I really am. Is it a surprise that I often rule that I am not as crazy as I once though based on the revealing of said strangers? But isn’t that what we all do? We evaluate how we relate to others to determine where we stand. You might not think you do, but we all do.)
Papa: Though he wasn’t talking on the phone he concurred, “Yah, Yah.”
Mama: Handing the phone to Papa. “Here you talk to ‘dem.”
Papa: “ That vas’ sum party last night. How many bottles did ‘ve have?”… (long pause) “68 plus 4 Magnums!!!! You young kids can go all night. ‘Ve can’t. I vent to bed at ten o’clock.” (Mama was nodding her head in amazement at the total of bottles and Magnums. – What exactly were these Magnums? Could it be what I thought they were? Or, was this simply a term for some other type of alcohol. SURELY it was a type of alcohol Please tell me these seniors weren’t doing what I thought they were doing.)
Now all of this was being said at a level that allowed any listener within 200 yards a clear understanding.
Papa: “’Ve had an extra key. It ‘vas is in ‘da car. Did I give you ‘da extra key last night?”
Mama: “Yes, ‘Ve had an extra key!” (This was said as if she were the one on the phone. Who exactly was she saying it for? Was it simply moral support for Papa to indicate that he wasn't imaginging they had second key, but that the key is in fact now missing.)
Is it possible that this 60’s + Saturday night bash turned into a Key Party? I mean, there was the reference to Magnums and to exchanging keys and that the young kids could go all night. Oh, surely not. I looked at my own seat mates with a look of wonder and fascination as all three of us burst into laughter. Clearly we were all wondering the same thing. Papa kept giving details on how to get the missing key that was maybe still in the car.
Finally, a passenger on the ferry pointed to the sign that hung over Papa and Mama that read, “This is a Voluntary No Cell Phone Use Area.) – Mama quick grabbed the phone and walked 12 yards back outside of the cabin and stood on the landing to continue her conversation with whoever was on the other end who clearly had been part of the Magnum/Key Party last night. I soon lost all interest in the highly fascinating life of these seniors as I couldn’t figure out if the sign that said “Voluntary No Cell Phone Use Area” meant that you had the option to voluntarily not use your cell phone and you could still talk on one if you wanted to, or if it meant that by being in this cabin you were agreeing to not use your cell phone. Therein lies the dilemma: To be a schmuck or not?
Finally after the call ended Mama came back to papa. And so began the long discussion about the types of wine they had last night. A fair bit of time was spent talking about Merlot. Mama asked, “How much ‘vas ‘dat bottle ‘ve had?”
Papa: “$850.00 ‘I had four of ‘dose.” (Four of those!?!? Four glasses of that wine or four bottles? – I would have assumed he meant four glasses but that verdict soon came into question as I heard Mama’s response.”
Mama: “Mmmm, Yah, ‘Dose ‘ver good.”
$850.00 for a bottle of wine? What are we, Royalty? I liked these two and secretly hoped they were going to the places we were going so I could glean more from them on how to live the high life, but alas as we disembarked the tinker-toy boat at the San Francisco Ferry terminal I bid farewell to them and began the day with my friends.
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