I stepped foot into a gym today. I know. I know – Everybody CALM DOWN!… Batten down the hatches! – How many years has it been since I have done so? I was pondering this very question as I climbed aboard one of the “newly re-designed” elliptical machines in the very back row of the cardio room. Newly redesigned was simply “new” to me. (The answer is nine. Yep, Nine years since I have been in a fitness facility. – I know….. I gasped too as I did the math and came up with this nearly double digit.) As I made the painstaking stretch onto this whimsical newly re-designed elliptical machine I was instantly struck with panic. Not because I am completely out of shape and that I have no will power. (Those fears will kick into high gear in a few minutes.) A new series of concerns was emerging; the panel of buttons and lights gleaming up at me from the mother board of this exercise contraption. (Now, I am a button pusher from way back. Anytime a friend gets a new car I must ride shotgun so I can try out all the contraptions. I love it when we get a new copy machine at work because there are always so many buttons to explore. Yet, somehow the plethora of buttons on this newly re-designed machine was frightening to me.)
Then, suddenly, I am confused by the barrage of hieroglyphics on the control panel that somewhat resemble mountains, hills and flat surfaces. What’s more is that this thing asks for your age and weight. (Not fair) After stumbling through the “programming” of this space age looking contraption I began the heaving of my body in the rhythmic manner that one should use when starting the elliptical. I don’t think I let out a groan, though I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire population of the gym was looking at me thinking, “Who let this clown in.”
Not more than one minute into the “workout” I copped a can-do attitude. “This isn’t so hard, once you figure out the picture cues for programming.” ……Too soon~
On minute two of this ride I felt the ground underneath me rise and tilt me backwards. Yep, this newly re-designed elliptical has treadmill-like characteristics. Well, this was no good.
Minute Three: A curtain of perspiration formed on my forehead as it took every shred of strength I had to hold myself aloft while this machine did the death climb.
Minute Four: The bud from my i-pod fell from my left ear, dangling down in the zone of the whirling elliptical feet.
Minute Five: Enough. I reached for the STOP button. I do a quick eye-sweep of the joint to see if anyone saw my “quick” tour of the newly re-designed elliptical as I stomped over to the traditional treadmills.
Minute Six: There were no “newly re-designed” signs on this contraption so I figured it was a-go. The treadmill also had a series of hieroglyphics and arrow buttons pointing up, down and sideways. (Plus also, apparently all of these machines ask your age and weight.)
Minute Seven: I program the thing and soon enough the secure footing underneath me begins that forward movement forcing me to run or fall flat on my face. I’ve run on a treadmill a zillion times. Nine years ago was the last time, but the technology appeared to be the same. Yet for some reason my legs didn’t move and all 240 pounds of me ended up in a pile on the floor at the end of the treadmill.
Though I was not injured, my pride was bruised beyond recognition.
Minute Eight, Nine or Ten: (Can’t remember exactly on account of I was so busy trying to get up and get out of sight) – I was stomping out the front door determined to try again tomorrow. We’ll see~
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